that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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