:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
