Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
