I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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