I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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