I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
