Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
