I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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