It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
