Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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