at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
