I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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