My sheets look like a crime scene.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
