If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
