Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
