4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
