I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
