I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
