she woke up with a sticky ear
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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