I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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