the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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