I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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