Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I enjoy the company of your penis
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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