Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
