Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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