Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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