once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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