this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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