dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
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