it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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