I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
