i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
