Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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