Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
