If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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