why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
