We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
