I can tuck mytits in my pants
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
