In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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