Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
