i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
