Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
