I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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