normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
