Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
