i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
