she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
