I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
