yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
