I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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