He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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