I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
